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-- Ask Neversoft... (http://www.vcdhq.com/forum/showthread.php?threadid=69276)

Posted by Arthur Daily on 03-22-2006 04:10 AM:

quote:
Originally posted by |V|USTANG_FAN
dear neversoft, can you find me a manual for a sony cdx-m650?




Your Manual Sir

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Posted by Neversoft on 03-22-2006 11:11 AM:

quote:
Originally posted by Mr_Grinch
Dear Neversoft,

Occasionally when in work my penis becomes hard for no reason, I find this awkward as sometimes I'm stood at the photocopier or in the kitchen when this happens and have to waddle back to my desk.

Why is this happening?

What do you suggest?

Yours confused,
*********
You're suffering from a "backlog" of sperm and probably aren't masturbating enough. If it's not convenient to go to the toilets for a quick "power wank" I suggest you try drugs instead - a gram or two of speed should quel that erection until you get home.

__________________
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.

Posted by Neversoft on 03-22-2006 11:16 AM:

quote:
Originally posted by Sin
Dear Neversoft,

In my current job I dont have a fucking clue as to what I'm meant to be doing.

All I do most of the day is surf the web and look at SomethingAwful.com

However I am being paid a good rate and I kinda did the job they wanted me to do. My question is, how do i spend my days now seeing as I've become a useless but still paid member of this organisation?
I suffer a similar affliction - I'm shit at my job too! My best advice is to continue browsing the web but always keep a half-written report close at hand that you can fall back on if your manager questions your output. Should you ever find yourself in the the nightmare scenario that "no internet access at work" is, then several power-wanks in the staff toilets can quickly make the day go by.

One word of caution - don't apply for another job based on what your CV claims you do in your current job. Most companies have a three month trial period and in that time they're bound to realise that you're a waste of time and space, whereas you're obviously getting away with it at the moment.

__________________
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.

Posted by Neversoft on 03-22-2006 11:22 AM:

quote:
Originally posted by Mother
When Blade Runner was re-released theatrically (as the Director's Cut) in 1992/93, did it have a Dolby Digital soundtrack?
No, it was only remastered to Dolby Digital in 2000, the theatrical release was Pro Logic. Also, you should go for a power-wank in the staff toilets.

__________________
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.

Posted by Neversoft on 03-22-2006 11:24 AM:

quote:
Originally posted by Fionn McCool
Dear Neversoft.

My parents brought me up to be a good church going Catholic but there's this Icelandic guy at....um....School that makes fun of me and says the whole God thing is a load of shit.

Is he right?......I'm confused and I don't know who to turn to.
You've come to the right person Fionn. Whilst I disapprove of religion I approve of fanaticism so my best advice is to join a cult and have numerous power-wanks or combine the two and remain Catholic.

__________________
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.

Posted by Neversoft on 03-22-2006 11:33 AM:

quote:
Originally posted by Arthur Daily
Dear Neversoft,

why do people on forums feal the need to only reply to a post with the sole purpous of picking apart someones post.
99% of the time reading i whole post of over (lets say) 30 lines of text. then only hitting the reply "click" with "you missed an E in that word"

you could post the "Meaning of life" and someone will reply with "you spelt that word wrong" (end post)


But the real question is.
Why wont my Mrs take it up the Dung Funnel ?
Ah! A two-parter - you're a shrewd man Arfur and really get your moneys worth!

With regards to "Spelling Police" - some people can't tell the difference between bad spelling and lazy spelling. You're a bad speller Arfur and that’s never going to change so people pick on it. Some people post on this forum who are perfectly capable of writing clear and concise posts but choose not to because they're lazy fuckers - you are not one of these people. Accept your lack of English skills and enjoy the fact that it distracts people from your other deficiencies such as your frighteningly ugly face or the fact that you're a cunt.

Your Mrs does like "Brown love" but not with you, mainly for the reasons I've described above. You could however try getting her really drunk or wearing a "Neversoft mask" which is available from the merchandising arm of VCDQ. If your efforts fail, you could always have a power-wank.

__________________
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.

Posted by Neversoft on 03-22-2006 11:41 AM:

quote:
Originally posted by Shn
are there more than 1 question per person ?

I sure hope so, or else that was it


And if there are, here's mine :

- when will I die? how?

if a yes/no question is required (maybe you're just an 8ball) :

- will I ever get laid again ? (by a female)




That is all.
Three questions you greedy bastard? Oh Lordy!!

Yes, you can ask multiple questions but I may not answer them all.

I have no idea when you will die but I sincerely hope it will be from something degenerative, crippling and carries a lot of stigma... Such as leprosy. Alternatively, you could choose your time of death - I look forward to your questions regarding suicide methods.

Laid again? You have a French accent so your best bet is to travel outside of France 'cos chicks dig the accent. You may have to take extra measures to guarantee success though such as covering your face and wearing less garish colours (real men don't wear lime or burgundy denim).

__________________
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.

Posted by Neversoft on 03-22-2006 11:42 AM:

quote:
Originally posted by Sobaku
Dear Neversoft,

Why was the Star Wars Holiday Special created?
$$$

__________________
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.

Posted by Neversoft on 03-22-2006 11:45 AM:

quote:
Originally posted by cookie
Dear Neversoft,

I was at work, browsing Google videos when I came across a little dog humping another dog. For some reason, that got something stirring down there, so I went to the ladies room and did a quick flick of the clit. When I came back to my desk, I was smiling broadly.

Could my co-workers tell?
Yes, you made classic mistake of making the office smell like warm cat food. Next time you flick the bean, wash your hands and "grumble" afterwards.

__________________
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.

Posted by Neversoft on 03-22-2006 11:52 AM:

quote:
Originally posted by bartleby
dear neversoft ,

which came first the chicken or the egg ?
If you believe evolution: The egg. If you believe religious nutters: Jesus!

__________________
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.

Posted by Neversoft on 03-22-2006 11:53 AM:

quote:
Originally posted by eljefeoscuro
Oh mighty Neversoft, keeper of the knowledge,

Is life a box of chocolates, or a bowl of cherries, and is that why people are getting fatter in this day and age, from enjoying life too much?

signed
Just Another Onion Head
People are getting fatter because their arseholes are smaller than their mouths and there's a bottleneck as a result. The solution is: bigger arseholes!

__________________
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.

Posted by Neversoft on 03-22-2006 11:54 AM:

quote:
Originally posted by shorty6pac
Dear Neversoft

When are you going to answer all these questions
Now

__________________
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.

Posted by Vampire on 03-22-2006 11:57 AM:

quote:
Originally posted by Neversoft
People are getting fatter because their arseholes are smaller than their mouths and there's a bottleneck as a result. The solution is: bigger arseholes!

Of course, it's so simple..... I've never met a fat gay bloke!

edit: actually, although I've not met them.... there's Russell Grant and Elton John to name a couple so there must be additional factors in play. Perhaps the high calorie count of sperm?

Posted by Neversoft on 03-22-2006 11:57 AM:

quote:
Originally posted by Dwaggy
Dear Neversoft

Why do you hate freedom

Love, Dwaggy
People are happier when they're oppressed. Humans are greedy by nature so if they have a little freedom, they want a lot of it. The simplest way to alleviate this is to take away people's freedom and substitute it with right-wing propaganda and the occasional state-sponsored beating.

You should however, fight for your right to have power-wanks in the workplace.

__________________
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.

Posted by Mother on 03-22-2006 12:04 PM:

Is there a cracked version of Pro Tools that will run on Windows XP without Digidesign hardware?

Edit - I suppose the question should be, how the fuck can I run the AudioSuite plugin I downloaded?

Posted by Neversoft on 03-22-2006 12:05 PM:

quote:
Originally posted by Avenue_1
Dear Neversoft,

is it wrong to think about your own mother or sister while having a good wank?
Not really, just keep it to yourself. It's understandable, your mother and sister are seriously hot!

__________________
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.

Posted by Neversoft on 03-22-2006 12:09 PM:

quote:
Originally posted by doctor zoidy
ive been feeling sexual desires towards the dora the explorer live theatre actress... my son watches dora the explorer nearly constantly, in fact its the only tv he'll watch...

do you think my sexual fantasies will someday extend to the animated 5 year old, or will i be safe in the live action 20-something year old?

Having sexual desires for an animated character is perfectly normal and part of being a healthy human. Personally I like to have a power-wank to Blues Clues and Backyardigans but Dora is a horny little slut too.

With regards to the 20-something bird who plays the live-action Dora, she's actually a hermaphrodite so be warned!

__________________
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.

Posted by Neversoft on 03-22-2006 12:11 PM:

quote:
Originally posted by The CandyMan
Dear Neversoft,

Why do I keep coming back to this forum time and time again knowing it will rot my brain and only lead to insanity?
You have a deep-rooted problem with insecurity in the real world Candy and the only way your psyche has to deal with this is to make yourself feel superior from time-to-time - visiting this site and reading a few posts suits your needs perfectly.

It's also probably the only thing that distracts you from power-wanking.

__________________
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.

Posted by Neversoft on 03-22-2006 12:20 PM:

quote:
Originally posted by White Rabbit
Dear Neversoft,

here are some questions that i always mentally ask myself:

1. How long will it take me for my hair to get really long?

2. Is a 7 inch cock decent? apparently the average is 6!

3. Why is car insurance so fucking expensive? i havent got a car yet but when i do im gonna have to get a job to run the fucker...

4. Do i have any homosexual friends? i fuckin well hope not

5. will i always be a bum?

6. does anyone else think coldplay are amazing?


these questions go through my mind about a million times a day
1. Hair grows at roughly .44mm per day so use this equation... (desired hair length in mm - current length of hair in mm) / 0.44 = number of days of growing remaining

2. 7" is reasonably large without being excessive. Put it this way, would you like to be penetrated by a cock that big? You're not a porn star and probably never will be!

3. Insurance is for pussies. I don't drive but if I did I certainly wouldn't crash the fucker like some woman. Be a man for fucks sake!!

4. 10% (or something like that) of the population are gay but considering your "personality" I doubt you have that many friends so in your case, I reckon you're safe.

5. No, eventually you'll get bored with it and join the population... We all do

6. Personally I think Coldplay make depressing, whiney and shit music but I can understand that some people like them... I call those people "The 10%"

__________________
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.

Posted by Neversoft on 03-22-2006 12:21 PM:

quote:
Originally posted by |V|USTANG_FAN
dear neversoft, can you find me a manual for a sony cdx-m650?
With pleasure...
quote:
Originally posted by Arthur Daily
Your Manual Sir

__________________
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.
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