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-- The OFFICIAL joke thread (MAY BE NSFW) (http://www.vcdhq.com/forum/showthread.php?threadid=77149)

Why has Noddy got a bell on his hat?

Because he's a cunt.

-Ricky Gervais

quote:

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Originally posted by Robert Jones
what happened to Miller, i used to hate that faggot.

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A motorist was driving quietly along the road when, suddenly, his eyes goggled as, believe it or not, he espied a three-legged chook running beside him. It suddenly made a right hand turn, heading up a side track towards a nearby farm house. Intrigued, the motorist decided to follow the chook. At the end of the track, he met a farmer leaning on a gate.

The motorist said, "You probably won?t believe this, but I reckon I saw a three-legged chook running this way."

The farmer was nonchalant in response. "Yep, we breed them here."

"But why?" asked the motorist.

"Well, you see, I like a leg, my wife likes a leg, and me son likes a leg."

"And what do they taste like?"

"Dunno", replied the farmer, "No one can catch the little bastards."

chook=chicken for anyone that might have wondered

__________________

BUNGIE JUMP £5 PER PERSON


MUSLIMS ££ FREE !!!!

NO STRINGS ATTACHED

__________________
"darlowad vcdq's mostest bestest poster"

quote:

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Originally posted by Darlowad v4.ob

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snoochie boochies

quote:

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Originally posted by Darlowad v4.ob
BUNGIE JUMP £5 PER PERSON


MUSLIMS ££ FREE !!!!

NO STRINGS ATTACHED

---

__________________

Q: What's the difference between a Muslim and a dead horse?
A. It's no fun beating a dead horse.

Two builders return from lunch to find a dead whore on the floor
of a house they are working on.

"WTF !! shes got spunk comeing out her mouth & spunk comming out her ass, Whats happend here?"

The other builder says "i dunno, but the floors level"

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*Meet the rest of the VCDQ Crew, HERE *

Saw this on Yo momma today:

Muslim guy says to this black dude.

The only difference between yo momma and my camel is that my camel spits.

__________________

IRC://IRC.EFNET.NET/VCDQUALITY
IRC://IRC.EFNET.NET/prolifeabortionists
"@Dwaggy · pirates are hella kinky
Avenue_1 · how do u know this?
@Dwaggy · i'm a pirate"

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?




-nothing, you've already told her twice.

__________________

IRC://IRC.EFNET.NET/VCDQUALITY
IRC://IRC.EFNET.NET/prolifeabortionists
"@Dwaggy · pirates are hella kinky
Avenue_1 · how do u know this?
@Dwaggy · i'm a pirate"

2 muslims killed on tesco carpark today!!



...........TESCO EVERY LITTLE HELPS !!

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"darlowad vcdq's mostest bestest poster"

baggage handlers @ glasgow airport were said to be furious when the indian they ordered turned up burnt!!!


as of the 1st of july england will be smoke free.
glasgow airport would like to remind muslim passangers to put themselves out before enetering the building!!

__________________
"darlowad vcdq's mostest bestest poster"

Whats black, blue and cries a lot?


. . . . . a rape victim

Mr Dwaggy

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.


When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.

When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)


Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow.

One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never **** with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.

Sincerely,

yoshy

A man is walking along a country lane when all of a sudden a woman comes rushing out of a group of trees. Her dress is torn, she has tears coming down her cheeks and she's screaming "GRAAAAAPE... GRAAAAAAAAAAAPE... GRAAAAPE".

The man stops immediately and rushes over.. "Are you OK? What happened?"

"GRAAAAAAAPE" she wails again.

"Don't you mean "rape"?" the man asks.

"Nooooo," she shouts, "there was a bunch of them!".

You can blame Si for that one.

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Rectum? Damn near killed him!

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Michigan recently. He was leaving a lake well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"OK, I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious now.

The man poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited .

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH!"

"What fish?" the man asked.

__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.

There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

HOW TO HANDLE STRESS

1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.

2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa bill.

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

4. When someone says "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.

5. During your next meeting, sneeze and then loudly suck the phlegm back

down your throat.

6. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

7. Make a list of things you have already done.

8. Dance naked in front of the pets.

9. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school

as if nothing was wrong.

10. Thumb through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.

11. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them the next

day.

12. Drive to work in reverse.

13. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.

14. Start a nasty rumor and see you recognize it when it gets back to you.

15. Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.

16. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask

the cashier where the fitting rooms are

__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.

There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

What makes 9 out of 10 people happy?




Gang rape!