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-- The OFFICIAL joke thread (MAY BE NSFW) (http://www.vcdhq.com/forum/showthread.php?threadid=77149)

a joke thread started by miller is not something you should be necroing. i didnt hate him but his jokes were some of the worst ive ever heard.

michael jackson recently retired from NASCAR. fans were not disappointed as he usually came in a little behind.

A man was seen slipping £10 notes in to the lions cage at London zoo last week.
When a zoo keeper approached the man and said "cant you read, Don't feed the lions it says"


"yes" replied the man
"i can read, and it ACTUALY says..
DO NOT FEED THE LIONS,
£10, Fine"

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A man on R&R in Amsterdam approached a lady sitting behind a window,
Tapped on the glass and said " oi, how much Darling"

"200 Euros" she replied.

"Fuck, that expensive" he said


"Well it is Double Glazed" she stated.

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*Meet the rest of the VCDQ Crew, HERE *

Theres a benifit at childrens hospital and a fire breaks out. Theres a doctor, a lawyer, and mancandy

The Doctors like what about the children?
The lawyers say FUCK the chilren
Mancandy says hmmmm, Do have time.


Candyman tell your girl tht one, She'll love it. hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

__________________

Hold Da Motha Fuckin Salad.

ncredible!!!!
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I Gave
her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to
her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor.
She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was
doing, and returned the money aga in. I gave her the Money back .... Same
scenario! I departed th e store with the $46.64.

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I walked int o a Starbucks with a buy-on e-get-one-free coupon for a Grande
Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard
that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,'
she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She handed me my free Lattes and I
walked out the door.

They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the with some Friends when one of them
shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked Up at the sky and said,
'Where?'


They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him
up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?' When my
brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she
shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'

They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I
told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He
responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'

They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat
belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk


They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10% Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed
up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane
arrived yet?'

They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man Ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6
pieces.'

__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.

There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

***The Rules of Bedroom Golf!***
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club
and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep
the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners
are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage
to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the
course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result
in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to
admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or
is currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course
owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time.
Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone
else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily
under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.
More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the
case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush
around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and
approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed
at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
same hole several times in one match.

__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.

There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

A Woman's Poem

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A Man's Poem

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a *please do not swear*.
The End

__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.

There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

Yoshy, please try to stay on topic.

quote:

---

Originally posted by yoshy


I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast

---

__________________
I'M NEVER COMING BACK TO THESE FORUMS... BOOHOOHOO

OH WAIT...I'M BACK

quote:

---

Originally posted by Gimp Mask
What are you, some some of retard rapist?

---

Heard this one the other day on the Bob and Tom Show. Clean enough for polite company.

A plane begins loading passengers and as the passengers take their seats they see two pilots apporaching, one with a seeing eye dog the other with a blind cane. Realizing that both are blind the passengers begin to stir as the two pilots enter the plane and go up into the cockpit. The plane finishes loading and at first the passegers are thinking this is some kind of prank and begin to joke about it. As the plane closes its doors and leaves the terminal, the passengers start getting nervous. The plane then begins its take off and the passengers at this point are really upset especially since they notice a large lake at the end of the runway. The plane begins to taxi for take off, speeding faster and faster down the runway until the passengers realize they are about to go right into the lake and begin screaming. The plane just at that moments lifts smoothly into the air and the passengers sigh with relief realizing they had nothing to worry about.

In the cockpit one of the pilots turns to other and says "One of these days they're gonna scream to late and we're all gonna drown!"

__________________

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. the police man approaches the
driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence
please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?" The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink
driving."

The policeman is shocked.
"I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that." The policeman says, "Why not?" "I stole
this car." The officer says, "Stole it?" The man says, "Yes, and I
killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate.

"You what!?"

"She's in the trunk if you want to see" replied the man.

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes five police cars show up, surrounding the
car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn
gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle
please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?" asked the
man.

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered
the owner" replied the officer.

"Murdered the owner?" asked the man in disbelief.

The officer insists, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car?"

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but empty space.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.

"One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the
officer.

The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite
puzzled.

"Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence,
stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies....

"The lying bastard probably said I was speeding too!"

Drinking with a Redneck Girl



A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces . He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

::copy pasted

__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.

There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

Here's my joke...




SCENE MUTINY


lmao





What do apples and Niggers have in common?


They both look better hanging from trees.





What's the difference between tires and niggers?


The tires don't sing when you put chains on them.




Most of the jokes I know are Nigger ones, get use to it.





There's a mexican, and a nigger in a car,
who's driving?


The Cop.

__________________
"The reason why this thread is failing para1, is that you can't flame a retard. You're too simple and stupid to be offended." -Ave

old ones at that.........any we haven't heard.......

A Russian, an American, and Barack were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”
The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”
Barack said, “So what? I’m going to be the first on the sun!”
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.
To which the Barack replied, “I’m not stupid, you know. I’m going at night!”

or

Barack Obama and a kangaroo walk into a bar and order arugula salads. The bartender says, “Hey, isn’t he from a foreign country?” Obama slams down his fist and says “You’re just showing your prejudices. That kangaroo was born in an American zoo, is completely native to this country, and his patriotism shouldn’t be questioned. And even if he was an immigrant, he would still have rights, because this is America.” The bartender says “I was talking to the kangaroo.”

lastly

Barack Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says “That’s a real nice one. Where’d you get him?” The parrot says “Chicago.”

__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.

There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.

Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.

There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

quote:

---

[1]Most of the jokes I know are Nigger ones, get use to it.[/B]

---

__________________
Hungry?
We got dick and beans
And i'm fresh outta beans

stupiciidddddd

but I miss meiller

Difference between Jews and choc-chip cookies...

Cookies dont scream before they go into the oven =P

__________________

IRC://IRC.EFNET.NET/VCDQUALITY
IRC://IRC.EFNET.NET/prolifeabortionists
"@Dwaggy · pirates are hella kinky
Avenue_1 · how do u know this?
@Dwaggy · i'm a pirate"

An old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags ripped, and every once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.

It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my garden pruners.


Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "
"Well, that seems only fair." said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "Not everybody pays."

__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.

There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.