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-- The OFFICIAL joke thread (MAY BE NSFW) (http://forum.vcdq.com/showthread.php?threadid=77149)

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said"Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because
they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.

There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

For those of you prood yanks!

A girl goes to her dad and ask if she can have some money, so she can go to a concert with her friends.

The dad thinks for a second and tells her if she sucks his dick she can have it.

The daughter hesitates a bit but eventually gives in.

She gets on her knees, pulls out his junk and puts it in her mouth.

YUCK!!!! She yells. That taste like shit.

Yeah I know, the dad says.

Your brother asked to borrow the car.

^^ Hilarious!

A man goes to the bar and asks the bartender for 9 shots of tequila. The bartender serves him and the guy does all 9 right in a row!

The bartender asks 'Hey whats the special occasion?'

Man replies 'My first blowjob'

The bartender reflects on his 1st blow job and offers the guy another shot on the house.

The man says 'No thanks, the first 9 didn't get the taste out of my mouth, doubt the 10th will.'

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman who hit him rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. But, clearly he was in agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and then asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied, 'It feels great; but ... I still think my thumb is broken!'