Show all 83 posts from this thread on one page
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Show all 83 posts from this thread on one page |
VCDQuality Forums (http://www.vcdhq.com/forum/index.php)
- General Discussion (http://www.vcdhq.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?forumid=4)
-- The OFFICIAL joke thread (MAY BE NSFW) (http://www.vcdhq.com/forum/showthread.php?threadid=77149)
Funny Joke
A husband, wife, and mother in law are walking threw the desert.
the mother in law comes up to a lamp, she picks it up and a jeanie comes out and said i will grant you each a wish. the mother in law said " id like a house in the alps" poof she disappears and is now in the alps. THe wife said " great id like to live on a hot beach and never have to work " poof she disappears and is now on a beach.
The husband looks at the jeanie and said " let me get this straight, their half way around the world, and i would have to be rich to go back and forth to see them correct!? yes said the jeanie, husbands responce " i'll take a coke please
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Straight out of karate Lessions, to register these hands as wepons!
that wasn't very funny 
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The Shning - plenty of silly pics - My blog, hosted by BoH
guess im just simple
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Straight out of karate Lessions, to register these hands as wepons!
it was an amusing chuckle for about 2 seconds 
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"If somebody said to me, in twelve years you’ll be in a band with your brother and two carrot munching geezers who don’t like football, I would've said 'fuck off, I’m not joining the Bee Gees." -Noel Gallagher 2005
made me smile
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Those who failed to oppose me, who readily agreed with me,
accepted all my views, and yielded easily to my opinions,
were those who did me the most injury, and were my worst enemies.
--Napoleon Bonaparte
Yeah I had a chuckle myself
__________________
Hold Da Motha Fuckin Salad.
I had no reaction, but a coke does sound good now.
how do you get 4 gay guys to site on a barstool? Turn it upside down.
What do u call an old prostitute? A dinowhore.
Just some lame jokes i heard, funny for a lil bit tho.
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A man walks into a bar with an octopus. He sets it down on the bar and loudly declares "I bet anyone in here $50$ that this octoupus can play any instrument you give it."
After a few minutes of silence a man brings over a guitar and hands it to the octopus. The octopus tunes the guitar and begins to play Stairway To Heaven. After a few bars the octopus hands the guitar back to the man, who then hands the owner $50. Another man brins up a trumpet and hands it to the otopus. The octopus picks it up, emptys the spit valve and plays handful of bars of Coltrane. After handing back the trumpet the octopus quickly grabs $50$ dollars from the man and buys a shot at the bar.
About 20 minutes the bartender slaps down a 100 dollars and a set of bagpipes. "If that thing can play these I'll give you a hundred dollars." The owner smiles and slides the bagpipes to the octopus. The octopus slowly turns over the bagpipes and stares at them for a few seconds. The owner bends over and whisper to the octopus, "What the fuck are you doing? Play the damn thing." The octopus replies "Play it?? If I can figure out how to gt these pajamas off, Im gonna fuck it!"
since my last joke diden't go over well
A guy is walking down the street, sees a beautiful
woman with a very short skirt, approaches her and
says, "My god, you're hot!!! With that look, I've GOT
to make it with you! I can't help myself, and no
matter what, I've GOT to have you!"
The woman is very shocked and asks him, "What!? HERE?
In the middle of the street!?" The guy answers, "I've
got to have you now! So I'll make you an offer. I'll
drop $500 on the sidewalk and, while you're picking it
up, I will do everything I want. OK?" The lady seems
to be in intense thought. Then she calls her friend.
She tells her friend the story, looking for some
advice. The friend says, "It's no big problem.
When he drops the money, you pick up the $500 fast,
and he won't even have time to get his fireman out of
his pants before you finish picking it up. Just take
the money and run!" The next day, the friend sees the
woman walking like an old woman.
The friend asks, "What happened to you!?" The woman
answers nervously, "That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500
in quarters!"
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Straight out of karate Lessions, to register these hands as wepons!
A Welshman, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck:
They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a while,they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the Welshman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously and whispered in her ear.......................
"You wouldn't mind taking the dog for a walk would you "
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Statistically... 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape.
Re: Funny Joke
quote:
Originally posted by Miller
A husband, wife, and mother in law are walking threw the desert.
the mother in law comes up to a lamp, she picks it up and a jeanie comes out and said i will grant you each a wish. the mother in law said " id like a house in the alps" poof she disappears and is now in the alps. THe wife said " great id like to live on a hot beach and never have to work " poof she disappears and is now on a beach.
The husband looks at the jeanie and said " let me get this straight, their half way around the world, and i would have to be rich to go back and forth to see them correct!? yes said the jeanie, husbands responce " i'll take a coke please
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A blackman walks in adsa, unzips his pants, lobs his nob on the counter and says "Roll that back!"
Gotta be from Uk for that 1 really, and even then it lacks somewhat
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Jeremy Clarkson: 'So, you won one championship, but Schumacher has now won three. Who's better?'
Damon Hill: 'Me'
Jeremy Clarkson:: (laugh)
Damon Hill: 'When he wins a championship at 37 years old with four kids, a 25 year old team mate and is being barged off the track by someone in their 20's with no concept of danger, I'll believe he's at least equal to me!'
thats right kids, in the end cooperate america always wins. 
Military Camel
The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert.
During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... m-m-m.... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges.
Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies.
"They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
ULTRA BUMP
The OFFICIAL joke thread (MAY BE NSFW)
The joke threads are getting as bad as the video threads were, so taking a page from Dwaggy's book, this is the place to post jokes.
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wow i posted here?
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SOBAKU!
what happened to Miller, i used to hate that faggot.
Why has Noddy got a bell on his hat?
Because he's a cunt.
-Ricky Gervais
quote:
Originally posted by Robert Jones
what happened to Miller, i used to hate that faggot.
A motorist was driving quietly along the road when, suddenly, his eyes goggled as, believe it or not, he espied a three-legged chook running beside him. It suddenly made a right hand turn, heading up a side track towards a nearby farm house. Intrigued, the motorist decided to follow the chook. At the end of the track, he met a farmer leaning on a gate.
The motorist said, "You probably won?t believe this, but I reckon I saw a three-legged chook running this way."
The farmer was nonchalant in response. "Yep, we breed them here."
"But why?" asked the motorist.
"Well, you see, I like a leg, my wife likes a leg, and me son likes a leg."
"And what do they taste like?"
"Dunno", replied the farmer, "No one can catch the little bastards."
chook=chicken for anyone that might have wondered
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BUNGIE JUMP £5 PER PERSON
MUSLIMS ££ FREE !!!!
NO STRINGS ATTACHED
__________________
"darlowad vcdq's mostest bestest poster"
quote:
Originally posted by Darlowad v4.ob
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snoochie boochies
quote:
Originally posted by Darlowad v4.ob
BUNGIE JUMP £5 PER PERSON
MUSLIMS ££ FREE !!!!
NO STRINGS ATTACHED
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Q: What's the difference between a Muslim and a dead horse?
A. It's no fun beating a dead horse.
Two builders return from lunch to find a dead whore on the floor
of a house they are working on.
"WTF !! shes got spunk comeing out her mouth & spunk comming out her ass, Whats happend here?"
The other builder says "i dunno, but the floors level"
__________________
*Meet the rest of the VCDQ Crew, HERE *
Saw this on Yo momma today:
Muslim guy says to this black dude.
The only difference between yo momma and my camel is that my camel spits.
__________________
IRC://IRC.EFNET.NET/VCDQUALITY
IRC://IRC.EFNET.NET/prolifeabortionists
"@Dwaggy · pirates are hella kinky
Avenue_1 · how do u know this?
@Dwaggy · i'm a pirate"
Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.
Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"
The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.
The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
-nothing, you've already told her twice.
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IRC://IRC.EFNET.NET/VCDQUALITY
IRC://IRC.EFNET.NET/prolifeabortionists
"@Dwaggy · pirates are hella kinky
Avenue_1 · how do u know this?
@Dwaggy · i'm a pirate"
2 muslims killed on tesco carpark today!!
...........TESCO EVERY LITTLE HELPS !!
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"darlowad vcdq's mostest bestest poster"
baggage handlers @ glasgow airport were said to be furious when the indian they ordered turned up burnt!!!
as of the 1st of july england will be smoke free.
glasgow airport would like to remind muslim passangers to put themselves out before enetering the building!!
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"darlowad vcdq's mostest bestest poster"
Whats black, blue and cries a lot?
. . . . . a rape victim
Mr Dwaggy
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.
When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow.
One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never **** with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.
Sincerely,
yoshy
A man is walking along a country lane when all of a sudden a woman comes rushing out of a group of trees. Her dress is torn, she has tears coming down her cheeks and she's screaming "GRAAAAAPE... GRAAAAAAAAAAAPE... GRAAAAPE".
The man stops immediately and rushes over.. "Are you OK? What happened?"
"GRAAAAAAAPE" she wails again.
"Don't you mean "rape"?" the man asks.
"Nooooo," she shouts, "there was a bunch of them!".
You can blame Si for that one.
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Rectum? Damn near killed him!
A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Michigan recently. He was leaving a lake well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"OK, I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious now.
The man poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited .
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man responded.
"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH!"
"What fish?" the man asked.
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When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
HOW TO HANDLE STRESS
1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa bill.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5. During your next meeting, sneeze and then loudly suck the phlegm back
down your throat.
6. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
7. Make a list of things you have already done.
8. Dance naked in front of the pets.
9. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school
as if nothing was wrong.
10. Thumb through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them the next
day.
12. Drive to work in reverse.
13. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
14. Start a nasty rumor and see you recognize it when it gets back to you.
15. Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
16. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask
the cashier where the fitting rooms are
__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
What makes 9 out of 10 people happy?
Gang rape!
a joke thread started by miller is not something you should be necroing. i didnt hate him but his jokes were some of the worst ive ever heard.
michael jackson recently retired from NASCAR. fans were not disappointed as he usually came in a little behind.
A man was seen slipping £10 notes in to the lions cage at London zoo last week.
When a zoo keeper approached the man and said "cant you read, Don't feed the lions it says"
"yes" replied the man
"i can read, and it ACTUALY says..
DO NOT FEED THE LIONS,
£10, Fine"
__________________
*Meet the rest of the VCDQ Crew, HERE *
A man on R&R in Amsterdam approached a lady sitting behind a window,
Tapped on the glass and said " oi, how much Darling"
"200 Euros" she replied.
"Fuck, that expensive" he said
"Well it is Double Glazed" she stated.
__________________
*Meet the rest of the VCDQ Crew, HERE *
Theres a benifit at childrens hospital and a fire breaks out. Theres a doctor, a lawyer, and mancandy
The Doctors like what about the children?
The lawyers say FUCK the chilren
Mancandy says hmmmm, Do have time.
Candyman tell your girl tht one, She'll love it. hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
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Hold Da Motha Fuckin Salad.
ncredible!!!!
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I Gave
her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to
her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor.
She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was
doing, and returned the money aga in. I gave her the Money back .... Same
scenario! I departed th e store with the $46.64.
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I walked int o a Starbucks with a buy-on e-get-one-free coupon for a Grande
Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard
that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,'
she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She handed me my free Lattes and I
walked out the door.
They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the with some Friends when one of them
shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked Up at the sky and said,
'Where?'
They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him
up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?' When my
brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she
shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'
They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I
told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He
responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'
They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat
belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk
They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10% Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed
up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane
arrived yet?'
They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man Ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6
pieces.'
__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
***The Rules of Bedroom Golf!***
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club
and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep
the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners
are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage
to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the
course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result
in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to
admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or
is currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course
owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own
protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time.
Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone
else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily
under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.
More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the
case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush
around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and
approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed
at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
same hole several times in one match.
__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
A Woman's Poem
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
A Man's Poem
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a *please do not swear*.
The End
__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
Yoshy, please try to stay on topic.
quote:
Originally posted by yoshy
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast
__________________
I'M NEVER COMING BACK TO THESE FORUMS... BOOHOOHOO
OH WAIT...I'M BACK
quote:Name one thing that isn't attractive about a deaf-mute gymnast! Can't hear you telling her to "fuck off", can't say no and when she does say "yes" you can plant her knees behind her head and she wont even notice... SEXAY!
Originally posted by Gimp Mask
What are you, some some of retard rapist?
Heard this one the other day on the Bob and Tom Show. Clean enough for polite company.
A plane begins loading passengers and as the passengers take their seats they see two pilots apporaching, one with a seeing eye dog the other with a blind cane. Realizing that both are blind the passengers begin to stir as the two pilots enter the plane and go up into the cockpit. The plane finishes loading and at first the passegers are thinking this is some kind of prank and begin to joke about it. As the plane closes its doors and leaves the terminal, the passengers start getting nervous. The plane then begins its take off and the passengers at this point are really upset especially since they notice a large lake at the end of the runway. The plane begins to taxi for take off, speeding faster and faster down the runway until the passengers realize they are about to go right into the lake and begin screaming. The plane just at that moments lifts smoothly into the air and the passengers sigh with relief realizing they had nothing to worry about.
In the cockpit one of the pilots turns to other and says "One of these days they're gonna scream to late and we're all gonna drown!"
__________________
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. the police man approaches the
driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence
please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?" The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink
driving."
The policeman is shocked.
"I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that." The policeman says, "Why not?" "I stole
this car." The officer says, "Stole it?" The man says, "Yes, and I
killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate.
"You what!?"
"She's in the trunk if you want to see" replied the man.
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes five police cars show up, surrounding the
car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn
gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle
please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?" asked the
man.
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered
the owner" replied the officer.
"Murdered the owner?" asked the man in disbelief.
The officer insists, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car?"
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but empty space.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned.
"One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the
officer.
The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite
puzzled.
"Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence,
stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies....
"The lying bastard probably said I was speeding too!"
Drinking with a Redneck Girl
A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces . He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
::copy pasted
__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
Here's my joke...
SCENE MUTINY
lmao
What do apples and Niggers have in common?
They both look better hanging from trees.
What's the difference between tires and niggers?
The tires don't sing when you put chains on them.
Most of the jokes I know are Nigger ones, get use to it.
There's a mexican, and a nigger in a car,
who's driving?
The Cop.
__________________
"The reason why this thread is failing para1, is that you can't flame a retard. You're too simple and stupid to be offended." -Ave
old ones at that.........any we haven't heard.......
A Russian, an American, and Barack were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”
The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”
Barack said, “So what? I’m going to be the first on the sun!”
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.
To which the Barack replied, “I’m not stupid, you know. I’m going at night!”
or
Barack Obama and a kangaroo walk into a bar and order arugula salads. The bartender says, “Hey, isn’t he from a foreign country?” Obama slams down his fist and says “You’re just showing your prejudices. That kangaroo was born in an American zoo, is completely native to this country, and his patriotism shouldn’t be questioned. And even if he was an immigrant, he would still have rights, because this is America.” The bartender says “I was talking to the kangaroo.”
lastly
Barack Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says “That’s a real nice one. Where’d you get him?” The parrot says “Chicago.”
__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.
Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
quote:
[1]Most of the jokes I know are Nigger ones, get use to it.[/B]
__________________
Hungry?
We got dick and beans
And i'm fresh outta beans
stupiciidddddd
but I miss meiller
Difference between Jews and choc-chip cookies...
Cookies dont scream before they go into the oven =P
__________________
IRC://IRC.EFNET.NET/VCDQUALITY
IRC://IRC.EFNET.NET/prolifeabortionists
"@Dwaggy · pirates are hella kinky
Avenue_1 · how do u know this?
@Dwaggy · i'm a pirate"
An old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags ripped, and every once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my garden pruners.
Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "
"Well, that seems only fair." said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "Not everybody pays."
__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said"Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because
they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
For those of you prood yanks!
A girl goes to her dad and ask if she can have some money, so she can go to a concert with her friends.
The dad thinks for a second and tells her if she sucks his dick she can have it.
The daughter hesitates a bit but eventually gives in.
She gets on her knees, pulls out his junk and puts it in her mouth.
YUCK!!!! She yells. That taste like shit.
Yeah I know, the dad says.
Your brother asked to borrow the car.
^^ Hilarious!
A man goes to the bar and asks the bartender for 9 shots of tequila. The bartender serves him and the guy does all 9 right in a row!
The bartender asks 'Hey whats the special occasion?'
Man replies 'My first blowjob'
The bartender reflects on his 1st blow job and offers the guy another shot on the house.
The man says 'No thanks, the first 9 didn't get the taste out of my mouth, doubt the 10th will.'
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman who hit him rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. But, clearly he was in agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and then asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied, 'It feels great; but ... I still think my thumb is broken!'
my girlfriend is so dumb, she's just gone on holiday with her mates and packed a jumbo pack of condoms.
she hasn't even got a cock
__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
quote:For you this is probably a true story. So wouldn't you be the dumb ass?
Originally posted by yoshy
my girlfriend is so dumb, she's just gone on holiday with her mates and packed a jumbo pack of condoms.
she hasn't even got a cock
__________________
Hold Da Motha Fuckin Salad.
Dumbo stating the obvious again.
__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
quote:So you are the dumb ass? Sorry for pointing out the obvious man.
Originally posted by yoshy
Dumbo stating the obvious again.
__________________
Hold Da Motha Fuckin Salad.
Any hypo-allergenic shampoo that contains no soap and ph balanced.
whack some warm water in a bath up to its knees, then wet the dog and apply the shampoo.
keep it away from the eyes as they dont like it.
Inside ears is a favorite hiding place for fleas, but breeds with big ears (Shih-tzu, Bloodhound, others) are prone to infections if their ears are wet inside. For them, wash inside only with a barely-wet washcloth.
then rinse it off and dry the dog.
Small dogs in winter love to be blow dried dry and no, I don't mean by the owner. Use a hair drier.
*This also applies for human pommies that dont shower*
What type of dog are they/it?
__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
If its shedding then that's a different story.
does it only shed periodically or constant?
if so then that's normal. Try A higher fibre diet with more dry food.
if its constant, then its a parasite that attacks the roots of the hair, have look, they are visible to the naked eye.
__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
Indian Student
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."
__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 20 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0,NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
20
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applica tions Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband =2 0 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support
COPY/PASTE/PLAGIARISM
__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
Your jokes are as shite as your life Yoshy
__________________
I'M NEVER COMING BACK TO THESE FORUMS... BOOHOOHOO
OH WAIT...I'M BACK
Ave1 after trolling one too many times
My life is oh so fine.
Hows the unemployment payments cockroach?
__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
quote:
Originally posted by yoshy
Ave1 after trolling one too many times
__________________
I'M NEVER COMING BACK TO THESE FORUMS... BOOHOOHOO
OH WAIT...I'M BACK
a priest wonders over to a boy crying at the edge of a cliff and says
"my son what ever is the matter?"
to which the boy replies tearfully
"my parents have gone over the cliff in our car and it caught fire , I think their dead!"
the priest places his hand on the boys shoulder looks around, unzips his trousers and reply's
"it's just not your day is it"
__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
Three men - an Australian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Australian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Australia '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Australia was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar, smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'
__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
NO!
THAT LINK SUCKS AND SO DO YOU!
P.S. Fuck, nevermind ...
Fuck it, i'll have a go Yoshy !
YEAH
What does Gary glitter & ricky Hatton have in common?.....................
They both tried to take a little
Filipino in the ring
__________________
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over.
There comes a point in your life when you realise;
who matters,
who never did,
who won't any more...
and who always will.
So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
This is just copied and pasted - probably a million years old too but...
*** MAN RULES ***
1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"
22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.
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